My fellow Americans (Yea! Clap! Clap! Clap!). I come today to submit to you my annual State of the Column address. It is with great pride that I tell you that the state of the state of this column cannot be overstated! (Thunderous roar!)
In the past year, I have written more than 39,000 words (Clap! Clap!) That, my fellow Americans, is more words than appear in the Gettysburg Address and the Hahira phonebook combined! (Sustained applause!) And unlike the Gettysburg Address and the Hahira phonebook, I used a lot of big words. (Clap! Clap!) Big words impress my friends and confuse my enemies and make my editors go to the dictionary to be sure I’m not slipping something by them. (Ha! Ha! Ha!)
It was certainly a busy year. Once again, I managed to offend both supercilious liberals and gun-totin’ Bible thumpers in equal parts. (Yea! Yea!) Admittedly, this tends to frustrate those who prefer their political columnists be predictably liberal or conservative. That way they don’t have to think — and neither do the columnists. (Ha! Ha! Ha!).
I am pleased to announce a new initiative that will allow for better clarity as to my political opinions. Beginning today, I will arrange for the reader who called me a “bed-wetting liberal” and the reader who called me a “bigot” to get together and compare notes and see if they can come to some mutual understanding. It is my hope that when they do, they will wet-kiss and all will be forgiven. (Sustained applause!)
Now, let us talk about the wall. As you know, I have advocated a wall be built on our northern border from LaFayette to Clayton to curb the influx of loud-talking, know-it-all Yankees who think we live on dirt roads and marry our third cousins. (Ha! Ha! Ha!) As for those already here, it is obvious they will not leave and go back to where it snows 10 months a year and all their buildings are rusted. Therefore, I am proposing that they be required to swear allegiance to grits, collard greens and sweet tea. (Yea! Yea! Clap! Clap! Clap!)
To the west, I will work to see that a wall is constructed from Dalton to Donalsonville to deter Nick Saban (Boo! Boo!) from infiltrating our borders from Alabama each December and ruining the hopes and dreams of the more-deserving young scholar-athletes ably representing the Red and Black. (Standing ovation! Cries of Woof! Woof!) However, as much as I want these walls built, I will not shut down this column! (Another standing ovation!)
I am aware of spurious rumors that this column is being influenced by the Russians. I tell you unequivocally no. Heck, I don’t even eat Russian dressing!
As has been my goal since this column began, I will continue my efforts to eradicate humor impairment. (Clap! Clap! Clap!) It has not been and will not be an easy task. If anything, humor impairment seems to be on the rise. There are those find nothing humorous in Colin Kaepernick selling lampshades and soap. (Ha! Ha! Ha!) Not to mention legislators who want guns everywhere but the state Capitol. (Boo! Hiss!) Supporters of You-Know-Where Institute of Technology find no humor in the fact that the University of Georgia, the oldest state-chartered university in the nation, located in Athens, the Classic City of the South, has more Rhodes Scholars than they have green space. (Ha! Ha! Ha! Woof! Woof! Go, you Hairy Dawgs!)
Another focus in 2019 will be continued collaboration with Claude the Whitetail Deer and his colleagues on Jekyll Island to prevent members of the Jekyll Island Authority from shooting them because they eat a few flowers from time-to-time and, therefore, are considered a nuisance. Working closely with Claude, we have so far been able to convince the Jekyll Island Authority that visitors come to Jekyll to see the deer, not them, and if they want to eliminate a nuisance, start with the lawyers. Neither Claude nor I can think of a bigger nuisance. (Sustained applause!)
In closing, let me say to you, my fellow Americans, it will be my great honor to serve as your modest and much-beloved columnist another year. God bless you all — unless you are an atheist. God will deal with you later. God bless America. God bless Georgia. God bless corn-fried shrimp. And God, I’m glad to be through with this column. (Thunderous roar!)